Saving Moments

(WARNING: *ERIN* THIS POST IS VERY JESUS-Y! HAHA)
I love this time of year. The Easter Triduum always proves to be an outstanding experience within my faith journey. I suppose it should for us all, right? I am thankful that my parish is full of spirituality and that my pastor always makes this Easter celebration one that is deep with meaning and rich with symbolism. My father and I always joke about our tendency to get a little choked up during the Triduum. I know I am emotional, this is no surprise. I also know that I most likely received this trait from him. But, I kept thinking last night, what do you do? What do you do when your heart is so full of of love and joy that you feel you need to breathe deeper? Last night, as they prepared the altar for the consecration, they sang a song called "In Remembrance of Me". I was so moved by this song. I have heard it before but reflecting on the nature of the evening, it hit me.
Take eat and be comforted
Drink and remember too
That this is my body and precious blood
Shed for you, shed for you

In remembrance of me always love
In remembrance of me don't look above
But in your heart, in your heart
Look in your heart for God
Everytime I receive the Eucharist, I am not just receiving Jesus. I am declaring myself in love with the gift He has given us in this sacrifice. I am telling Him that I can't do this alone. Such a simple change of thought and such a powerful reminder for me. In the book I teach from, they refer to "saving moments". I couldn't help but think of that last night. A moment where God's presence jumps into a conversation, a quiet afternoon walk, a crazy day at work. A moment where you remember the gift of being saved. My book states that these moments are easily found within the sacraments. And for me, I felt it last night. I don't know how to respond when my heart senses God so strongly. But, I do know that I feel motivated to do all things He calls me to do. The challenge is carrying that desire outside of the mass.
Happy Good Friday to all of you. I may have to blog again about my saving moments today. Lord knows this liturgy always leaves me in awe. <3

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom. ~Marcel Proust

I had the great joy today of running into an old friend. It is funny, I tend to see him in random places and everytime, we promise to keep in touch. We don't, though. I can't help but wonder...is there a reason we keep running into each other? Is there some stronger reason we end up at the same place at the same time? I was friends with him when I was in high school. He is going through a major transition in his life now and I got to thinking... how often do we stop to recognize who we have become by the people we know? I mean, many of us appreciate our loved ones through words and acts of kindness. But, do we ever really think about who we have become because of them?
As a high school girl, I was insecure and always looking for approval from people my age. Inevitably, this got me mixed up with some not so great people. But, these days I can see more value in the lessons I learned from the ones who always stood by me. The ones who constantly praised me in who I was and laughed with me in every silly moment. The ones who encouraged me to play basketball despite my lack of skill. The ones who listened to my every nasty word about myself or someone else who happened to annoy me in a moment.
I have lost my train of thought....but essentially...I am lucky to have so many people in my life that have taught me how to live myself by the love they have always given me. Thank you xoxox

Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain." -Vivian Greene

Here is the thing about life...
It is never easy. I was present when one of my coworkers had a long detailed conversation with a student about the challenges in life. And it made me realize something, we all have them. I would bet any one of you out there can spend hours talking about the stresses of your day to day activities. Or the fears you have for the future of your family. We carry them with us, each differently, but all heavily. It seems as if right when life gets carefree, you get hit with something else that challenges you. I have made a decision to take hold of all that challenges me or overwhelms me. I am not saying this is happening overnight or with ease, but I want to learn how to dance in the rain. Not so much a new beginning as me taking charge. Because, ultimately, the only way you can be happy in life is if you choose to put all your energy into the joyful things. Everything else will figure itself out. So for now, I will dance. <3

Just a quick note for now....

Change can sometimes be a very rude and harsh slap in the face. But I have learned that with change, comes growth. Whether it be from the inevitable need to embrace the truth or because one character is proven when challenged. But, change... it can really, really treat some people very well.

Inside my empty bottle I was constructing a lighthouse while all the others were making ships. ~Charles Simic

Clarity. Such a funny word. To me, it means gaining perspective and yet, once gained it is only then that I realize I didn't have any. I sat around this weekend in complete laziness and frustration over, really...nothing. After my post yesterday, I looked up some videos and pictures of Japan. Heartwrenching. I don't know how to put into words. I, along with many of you, watched with disgust, shock and awe. It is almost like watching a movie. Can this powerful current of water cause so much damage? Water...symbol of destruction and redemption. So strange. I thought a lot about the effects of this happening. Wherever you are in your faith, try to understand my thoughts...
God is begging us to pay attention. I don't think the Japanese are being punished for anything. But as I looked at these pictures, all I saw was the many tears He has shed for our stupidity, ignorance and selfishness. Really. I can't help but take this as a warning. Maybe people are using this, yet again, to discuss the end of the world. I have no interest in that conversation. (Not a good conversation to be intolerant of when I have very emotional teens who always want to discuss it!) Lent...a time to prepare within ourselves a place of God. A place that can be worthy of the Ultimate Sacrifice. Is that not what I am hearing in this warning? While FB may be one thing I have chosen to give up, it is important what I choose to fill that room.
I know this thinking may be a bit extreme for some of you. And, trust me, I understand. haha. But, as people, we must pray. At the very least so that in the depths of their sadness, frustration and fear, they know we care. So that among the many ships that are being ruined, they can follow the lighthouses to offer hope.

Therefore we do not lose heart.
Though outwardly we are wasting away,
yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.
For our light and momentary troubles
are achieving for us an eternal glory
that far outweighs them all.
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen,
but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary,
but what is unseen is eternal.
-- 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless. ~Bill Watterson

I am hitting a road block today. You see, I have all these things I need to accomplish...grading, folding laundry, finishing laundry, working out, preparing dinner, grocery store, putting clothes away, preparing lesson plans, etc. But, all I really want (and all I am currently doing) is sitting on the sofa. I kinda like it this way. I wonder to myself..is it procrastination or really just a sense of me needing a break? Maybe a bit of both. But, how do I get out of this stagnance? Do I allow myself to just sit and do nothing....after all, it is Sunday and I will need to work tomorrow. Or, do I get many things accomplished and walk into the week feeling like I am ahead of the game since I had no relaxation before the week began. Aaaah, the love/hate relationship I have with Sundays. A day of rest. Or a day or waste. Who knows. Here is what I do know...some wonderful friends are moving into a new house while managing to control 3 kids, 2 jobs and an evening job. So, we are bringing them dinner. I said pizza but my ww guilt is already kicking in. I may have to reconsider that. I want to lose 2 lbs this week. 1.2 gets me to my 30 lbs lost. I don't want to be lazy with that goal. Stream of conscience...this post is pointless. haha Another means of delaying the list of to do's. I think I like blogger...it's all the waste in my mind that I can pour out of my mind and anyone or no one can listen.

No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one. ~Elbert Hubbard

Heading back to WW tomorrow morning after my excellent vacation. I had a bit of a two week struggle to stay on plan. After my great 30th birthday celebration, I was up 2 lbs. This made it a little easier to focus myself in Florida. I ran two miles three out of the four days I was there. And, I can only pinpoint one full day that was off plan. Other than that, I blame it on the alcohol haha. I am eager to go in to my meeting tomorrow and regain some motivation.
This weekend is full of no plans! I am so happy about that. I will be cooking dinner for one of the best, and well deserving, mothers I know tomorrow. That is the extent of our plans. And, much to my embarrassment, I need to still write out our thank you cards. (sigh) This week has been long, although short. I am looking through our Florida pics and thought I should share some with you so that you understand my post vacation depression.

Some of the Dolphins putting on a show during the Wedding Rehearsal...


Rehearsal Dinner at the Hawks Cay Marina...


Posing on the Historic 7 Mile Bridge...7 Miles of one lane over water!


Posing (so cute!) by the 7 Mile Bridge...



Happy Weekend Friends! <3

~ A blog is in many ways a continuing conversation ~

Many of you know I gave up Facebook for Lent. I am hoping this here will continue our fb coversations and can help me air out a bit more of my thought processes. I love to blog but I am sooo inconsistent with it. I can't make any promises. I am happy I am turning back to this and definitely don't regret the decision to sacrifice facebook. I never felt like I needed it but I know that I use it far more as a waste of time than as a helpful resource to keep in touch with people. So, day one of facebook free and going strong haha! Interested in seeing how many of you will come across this. Drop me a message just so I know you are still there....

Stuck in the present...

So, as far as the wedding plans are going, they aren't. haha I know everyone has been on my case about finding a place, picking a place, and all that. I feel that pressure but I am honestly finding that I am scared to commit to something financially. We get that this is a huge undertaking with the money. But, I am scared to pick a place and then find out another avenue was cheaper. How do people get over that? I mean it would be the same with buying a house or anything else I suppose. What gives that push?

Anyway, I wanted to share something with you. Another thing that has distracted me GREATLY from wedding planning, is Camp Fatima work. I am not blaming it but happily embracing it as an excuse. For those who don't know, I have the great honor of being Assistant Co-Director this year. It is amazing to see how these things happen before they happen. I have been thinking a lot about the blessing of what Camp has been to me. Beyond the gift of meeting Jun there, it has taught me so much about who I am and the blessing of a life no matter what condition it had coming into this world. Here is a poem I was given my first year of camp that I wanted to share with all of you. Maybe it can explain to you how I see the gift of these kids in my life.

Heavens Special Child
A meeting was held quite far from Earth
It's time again for another birth
Said the Angel to the Lord above
This Special Child will need much love
His progress may seem slow
Accomplishments he may not show
And he'll require extra care
From folks he meets way down there
He may not run, laugh or play
His thoughts may seem quite far away
In many ways he won't adapt
And he'll be known as handicapped
So let's be careful where he's sent
We want his life to be content
Please Lord find the parents who
Will do this Special job for you
They will not realize it right away
The Special role they're asked to play
But with this child sent from above
Comes a richer much stronger love
Soon they'll know the privilege given
In caring for this gift from Heaven
Their precious gift so meek, and mild
He is Heaven's Special Child!

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind"-William Shakespeare

I have decided to change this blog up a bit and use it to share all our planning craziness! I have been getting lots of messages asking about when is our date, where are we going to have the wedding, etc. So, I thought this would be easier to keep everyone caught up!

Here is where we are so far with the planning:
- We decided we want our wedding to be September 18, 2010. We have the church booked and are currently looking for a reception hall. My goal is to have that booked by the time I go back to school in September.
- We have asked our entire wedding party to be part of the wedding. That was a very exciting part! To see the reactions and excitement of the people who are closest to us was something that I will forever cherish!
- I am currently working on a website and I am thinking I will give that to everyone once we have a reception place picked.
- I got all the engagement pics put into a beautiful album and we ordered the family pictures from that day's photo shoot.

I know it seems like so little, but that is where we are right now! I am trying hard to research where we can cut corners with money. I am flooded with some great ideas. It is just a matter of making them work. I can't really decide on any of that until we have a reception place picked, that way we know what we will need for flowers, etc.

Thank you all for the support and encouraging words you have been giving me! This final knee surgery set me back a little bit on time with planning but I am confident that this wedding will somehow come together to be an amazing party! How could it not with the people we know?!!

Day 3 of Recovery...

There is not much to update...things aren't too exciting in my room. haha. I am here, playing bejeweled, watching One Tree Hill DVDs, icing knees on rotation, and attempting to do my leg "exercises". My left leg is feeling better...I can see the improvement in it's motion and bending. It is still tough to remind myself that the right knee needs more attention. But, I am trying. I am not up much so that helps. Doc said I am allowed to shower today but the idea scares me. I am afraid to stand that long...I haven't yet. So, brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then changed my clothes. That took a lot. It is amazing how the simplest of tasks can seem so challenging in a situation like this. I know, it was only 3 days ago. But who ever really takes time to recognize how important a working knee is?!
So, I am turning back to my mindless activities now. Check in again later...

In Recovery...

Well, my final surgery was yesterday. I think my nerves on whether or not it works won't settle until I am back for my post-op. Since that was when I found out last year that it didn't work. But, I am hopeful! The doctor is very happy about how things went and said that my knee looks very strong. I seem to have a little bit of a weak bone structure...which isn't all that surprising since I stopped drinking milk around age 6? haha.

So, here is how I am looking right now....
They went into my left leg to repair the right one. Since they went into both legs yesterday, my pain and soreness are pretty rough right now. I am having a lot of difficulty lifting and bending my left leg. With using crutches, I am not allowed to put any weight on my right foot so that the ACL has time to sit and not be worked. I am using a DonJoy brace (for those of you who knew it in 2000, it is the one that clicks when I walk!) on my right leg. That is so my knee does not bend at all. As I begin to recover, they will adjust the setting so I can bend little by little with it. As for the left leg, that just has to heal. I was told that there is nothing actually wrong with it. The pain I feel is the only thing stopping it from bending. So, I am icing and elevating and resting :)

I am really hopeful for this. It feels a bit better than it did yesterday so I am working today and bending the left knee. I already have a little bit of strength to life it off the pillow it is resting on...that is an improvement. I will keep you all updated as my progress moves along. All in all, Doc was happy with results. This should be a strong knee when PT is done and I am already letting my mind run with all the things I will be able to do once that happens! :)

happy Sunshine Day!!

A Good Vibe

Do you remember the show Ally McBeal? I can remember one scene where Ally was walking down the streets and a song came into her head and she almost couldn't tell if it was in her head or out in the open for everyone to hear. Her walk, her bounce, her stride goes with the music. That is kinda how I feel today. I don't know if it is a confidence, an independence, being in summer mode or just a good day. But, I can relate to her in that moment. I walked through the grocery store today and just felt like I managed to have eye contact with more people than normal. Smiles were exchanged each time. Is everyone in a good mood today? Is it the sunshine? I helped some old guy with his groceries because he couldn't read any of the labels so couldn't tell which milk was 2%. Walked around a bit with him. Is everyone feeling open to having conversations with others? I have been all over the place today...preparing for the surgery 5. And while my nerves are a bit jumpy, I feel settled. I feel joy, determination to heal and recover quickly from this one, organized in my approach to camp work, wedding preps, etc. I don't know...I just feel good.

Wanted to share this....In looking for the scene from Ally McBeal I referred to, I found this. haha Does anyone else miss this show and it's hilarity?

Baby Boom

Seemingly, this has become the week of the children....haha. After spending the beginning of the week with Erin and her little girls, I went down to see Heather yesterday. A long overdue visit, I had a great time coloring with Brigid and Maggie, holding Ellie and catching up over some coffee with Heather! Here are some pics...

Victor and I are taking Brett and Todd to see Up tonight! I am pretty excited. I haven't had much QT time with them lately and I heard great things about this movie! Plus, what else would people do in this rain?!?!

Since I have been MIA....

Here are some pics of the time I was gone...I chose my favs from each moment in hopes that it will bring us up to speed....

Most Recently....the birth of my 6th niece Cara Suzanne Petura... June 14th, 2009

She is sooo tiny! I could even tell the difference between Ellie and Cara when I got to hold her!

I absolutely LOVE this picture....she is totally posing for it!

Birth of my 5th niece Elizabeth Ann McCarron...June 5th, 2009 Big Sisters Brigid and Maggie were so excited to meet little Ellie...this pic is classic!

Clearly she loves me as much as I love her! :)

And dating back a month + now....our trip to California...Cousins (well, some of us!!) Shot

My "new" family shot....yet, at this point, I still had no clue! haha

Oh and by the way, did I mention I am engaged? haha You knew that already! But, just so you know, this one is my FAVORITE pic.


So, as you can see, the end of the school year was busy but full of joy and blessings beyond words! 2009 has been an awesome year so far. Here's to Summer Vacation (and more blogging with extra time!)

Talk About a Turn Around!

<3 5.3.2009 <3

I woke up this morning you were the first thing on my mind
I don't know where it came from all I know is I need you in my life
You make me feel like I can be a better woman
If you just say you wanna take this friendship to another place
Can I walk with you through your life
Can I lay with you as your wife
Can I be your friend till the end
Can I walk with you through your life
You've got me wondering if you know that I am wondering about you
The feeling is so strong that I can't imagine you're not feeling it too
You've known me long enough to trust that I want what's best for you
If you wanna be happy then I am the one that you should give your heart to
Now everyday ain't gonna be, like the summer's day
Being in love for real it ain't like a movie screen
But I can tell you all the drama aside you and I can find what the worlds been looking for forever friendship and love together
Can I walk with you through your life till the day that the world stops turning
Can I walk with you till the day that my heart stops beating
Can I walk with you through your life
Can I walk with you till the end that the birds no longer take flight till the moon is underwater
Can I walk with you
Can I walk with you
This is the moment I've been waiting for
Can I walk with you
Can I walk with you
Can I walk with you
You are everything I've been looking for
Can I walk with you
Creative intellectual
Can I walk with you
Can I walk with you as your wife

Dark Night of the Soul

"The smile," she writes, is "a mask" or "a cloak that covers everything." Similarly, she wonders whether she is engaged in verbal deception. "I spoke as if my very heart was in love with God — tender, personal love," she remarks to an adviser. "If you were [there], you would have said, 'What hypocrisy.'" (Time.com article written by David Van Biema..this quote from Mother Teresa)

I realized something tonight. I have been unfair. For the past year, I have been telling myself that I am incapable of achieving. I have convinced myself that I am, just as is. I have believed that I will never again be happy with who I am. In the past month, I have been taking it out on the person who loves me best. It's a funny thing the way our minds work. I spend most of my days teaching teenagers about the joys and truths behind loving God. The power in recognizing who He created us to be. And when I am there, teaching it, I am filled with life that some of you may never see in me. I am good at what I do. I think my work is where I am happiest. I have the opportunity to be most real. I am putting aside all my faults and I am letting these people see exactly who God created me to be. But then, I come home. I am reminded of the temptations to give up. I am surrounded by the struggles of what does not matter. I am a prisoner to my own way of thinking.

This past week, I have realized that I have been sarcastic and extremely uninterested in anything that Jun had to say for about a month. I have given him very little regard and acted as if his every move was irritating if it wasn't something I had insisted he do. He has responded with patience, curiosity and even gifts to lighten my mood! To no avail. Today, I was in a good mood. Full of apologies and ready to repair what I had damaged. But, before I left him, he innocently asked me why...why had I been acting that way to him? A realization hit...and it hit hard. I am unhappy with me. The only way I could feel that truth was by not owning it...making it seem as if HIS actions were the root of my attitude. But they weren't.

How do you make someone understand that you want to do something but the only thing stopping you is yourself? I want to make healthier choices. I want to be more physically active. I want to be nicer. I want to feel better about myself. I want to believe everything I teach my students is past of my daily routine. I want, I want. But I won't. I thought a little more. Ever since the surgeries last year, I have been saying to myself (and everyone who asks) I can't. I can't wear heels. I can't walk on sand. I can't go running. I can't walk outside. I can't kneel. I can't ski. I can't work out. I can't go dance. I can't play sports. I can't. Tonight, for the first time, I realized what I was really saying. I won't. I won't try it. I won't ask if I can yet. I won't see if it hurts. I won't allow any more swelling. I won't be disappointed again. I think these surgeries have it me on an emotional level a bit more than I have recognized. Is it all the fault of my knee? No, definitely not. That is just simply when I can remember it happening.

Mother Teresa always spoke about the emptiness inside of her. She referred to it (as St. John of the Cross once coinphrased) as the Dark Night of the Soul. The emptiness she felt would lead her to even question whether or not God existed. I pray that this emptiness...this darkness inside of me will illuminate with love...especially since He (and he) has already shown me so much in my life!

Well, I have dropped/added some activities:
DROP:
Visit DSU (they are on spring break)

ADD:
Visit Heather and the girls!
Catch up on 90210 episodes with Mary

ALREADY DONE:
Caught up with college friends
Collected old hs pics (that was fuuuuunny!)
Made dinner for Boyfriend
Scheduled a massage with Karen (that is tomorrow!)
Finished a Thousand Splendid Suns (HIGHLY recommend it!)
Had one catchup session over coffee
Started my grading

I would say so far this week is fairly accomplished. I must admit, I did NOTHING today. The bulk of what I still have left to do is grading and....oh yeah, working out. Blah. I know I feel better when I am there, I have so much more energy, I feel much better about myself, it makes my knee stronger, etc etc. So, why is it so hard to get there?!?! Why do I let my own mind defeat itself? Ugh. Keep your fingers crossed...I think tomorrow I will go.

I hope you all had a super blessed Easter. I am so appreciatve of all the beautiful services that take place at our Church during the Triduum. As long as I am attending them, I don't think I will ever overlook the true meaning! Oh, did I tell you...I registered as an official adult. I get my own envelopes. So much responsibility!! Well, happy Tuesday to you all. I will probably be checking in again this week.

Spring Break Planning

Now Lent is coming to a close, I have decided that this whole promise thing may have some value :) It has been 4 weeks of no shopping for clothes/jewelry. I must say, I did get shoes (knee appropriate) but I needed to wear something to school besides sneakers. And plus, I bought them on a Sunday :)

These are things I would like to do during Spring Break:

• Go to the gym at least 5 times in the 12 days I will be off...I will include not PT in this count.
• Finish reading a Thousand Splendid Suns
• Get a massage from Karen @ Innerworks (because Stacy is too far!)
• Visit DeSales to see my old Campus Ministry Bud
• Hang out with college peoples since I will miss them on the 25th!
• Spend multiple meals or coffee cups catching up with old friends
• Grade all the quizzes and papers my kids did right before break
• If weather is nice, go down to the beach since this summer will be ANOTHER one away from it!
• Cook a really nice dinner for boyfriend since he has been tolerating a lot of my recent crankiness
• Start working on gathering old pics for 10 yr. HS reunion!

I think that is all for now. I am sure more will be added. Perhaps we should use this as my checklist now? Break will begin on Thursday officially so tonight is a night of laziness.

“The result of long-term relationships is better and better quality, and lower and lower costs.”

I had the privilege of spending time last night with an old friend. For 13 years, this girl has been a person who has never judged me for my ridiculous irresponsible behavior. She has never stopped holding me to a higher standard. She listens to what I say and sees past my harsh phrasing to understand a deeper feeling. Driving home from her house today I realized, one of the best things in this world is to have a friend that has known you for so long that you don't have to explain. As I have grown in my faith throughout the years, she always understood how important it was to me. As my confidence and pride have become more of a factor in making decisions, she supported the truth of who I am coming through in my actions. Most importantly, she has grown with me. We took different paths and now have different lives but we can still go back to the comfort of having this friendship.

Thank God for her. <3